the two of us

Gosh, more than a year passed by without a post.

Well, “the two of us” refers to DH and me. There’s still no addition to our family, not even on its way.

If anybody had told me a couple of years ago that I would struggle for such a long time with getting pregnant I would have shaken my head and denied it. But here I am. I want to update you about the past months:

Last summer I went to my Gyn every month for monitoring. I had an ultrasound every cycle on the tenth day to check if an egg was ready for big O and when this day would be. My hubby’s and my task was clear ;-) But also the monitoring did not help. In the meantime we received hubby’s results. Let me put it like this: have you ever tried to drive your car with the handbrake put on? Well, that describes the mobility of his guys quite well. As shattering as the result may sound as relieved I was. The pressure was gone. During the weeks before this result I felt like falling into a deep black hole. Somehow, the result saved me from depression. We knew that we currently didn’t have what is needed to have a baby. The solution seemed quite easy as DH was described medication that should kick his guy’s bottoms. The control three months later showed some improvements but their performance still was not an A. My patience was close to an end and I decided to schedule a counseling interview at an infertility clinic. I don’t need plushy pillows or pink curtains and decided to go to a clinic connected to a university hospital. The doctor was very friendly and informed me well but I left with a schedule for infertility treatment. I did some more tests but was overwhelmed. I was not ready for any “technical” help on our journey to parenthood. Whenever it came to getting pregnant I knew that I would not use any “technical” help meaning IUI, IVF or ICSI. I can’t explain why but it just feels wrong to me. No, it’s not a question of faith. Yes, I am a christian but it is not “forbidden” to get help.

I guess we couldn’t succeed last year as the guys were not strong enough. This year we failed most of the cycles.

The quality of sperm is the best if he ejaculates every two till three days. I don’t want to go too deep into details of our married life but we are far from this number. There were many reasons why we did not hit the big O or tried only once or twice, in some cycles we totally failed. I’m pretty sure we don’t need technical help but only need to get together more regularly. Currently, I’m worrying if DH really wants to become a Daddy or if some of our problems are caused by him subconsciously not being ready to become a Dad. Confronted with my theory he denies but assures that he is serious about a baby. It’s difficult.

I was not too happy with my gyn and recently saw a new one: a very friendly doctor, taking time and listening. She also offers IUI in her own practice. DH and I agreed that both of us will do some checkups the next weeks. If there is still no baby on its way around Christmas we might try IUI. There are some exciting and busy weeks ahead! I won't let you wait as long as last time till the next post!

What I am super excited about is the mug exchange organized by Chelsea (http://trialsbringjoy.com/). Such a lovely and fab idea! I will be on a short wellness trip with one of my dearest friends next week and we surely will have some time to go mug-hunting. Of course I show you the parcel I will sent over to NC but not before it is received. You’ll have to wait until mid November.

Love,

Julia

Screw the Easter Bunny and relaxing vacation is not helping, either

Does the title sound too negative? Hm, maybe but I am really exhausted and nerve wrecked, sorry. As written in March we were hoping that the Easter bunny would be "nice" and bring what would have been a wonderful Christmas present. But it didn’t happen so “screw the Easter Bunny”.
We spend nearly three weeks of a wonderful vacation in May and were really optimistic. After two weeks I knew that the relaxation and frequent BD did not help. My poor DH was confronted with permanent wet eyes… Lovely situation when you’re at an airport and heading out for a weekend with friends who have a toddler. I was scared to meet the little guy as I didn’t know if I could stand a happy family. But he was so cute that we instantly had a crush on each other.
Last week, I saw my doctor for discussing the possibilities to help getting pregnant. Organically, everything is fine. Next Friday I will get the results of the blood sampling and hubby has an appointment at the end of this month. I have another one next month but am really hoping that I won’t need it. Well, we keep trying and will take one step after another. Keep your fingers crossed!

Love,

Julia

A short remark on the commenting function:

I was pestered with anonymous spam comments of people trying to promote their commercial pages. I have disabled the anonymous comment function. Sorry, but 10 spam comments per day are too much.

Catching up

I wasn’t writing for a while and if you thing it might have been caused by constantly feeling queasy, you’re wrong. I still am not pregnant.

February was a busy month at work and our performance was creepy. I didn’t expect to end up pregnant as we missed the big-O day and in the end, I was right.

March started differently. From the beginning of the cycle I was optimistic. The calculated date of birth would have been around the day I had the miscarriage in 2009. At first, I was scared but then I started to like the idea having a date at which something was taken but later given. We tried around the big-O and about six DPO slight cramps started. I thought it might have been nesting cramps and was quite happy. Ten days after big-O I started spotting. Not the typical brownish spotting but deep red. I was alarmed and thought about seeing my Gyn. On the other hand I knew that if this was the beginning of a miscarriage my Gyn. could not stop the process during such an early pregnancy. I was hoping the spotting/bleeding would stop but if it did it came back after a couple of hours. I had to face the fact that another month passed by without getting pregnant. I thought about the possibility of a so called chemical pregnancy and decided not to test before aunt flo knocks on the door but one day before I was due I wanted to know and made a sensitive test which came out negative. I was relieved that there had not been an early pregnancy but it also made me worry about the strength of my psych.

Currently, we are hoping that the Easter bunny will bring a fertilized egg and we will be able to welcome our own “Santa baby” at the end of this year. But until the day we will find out I need patience for the two weeks wait. Keep your fingers crossed!

Love,

Julia

It feels like failure

Most women start taking prenatal vitamins a couple of weeks before they actually start trying. The vitamins shall prevent defects that might occur during the first weeks when the inner organs develop. Well, to ensure the best possible chances of getting pregnant quickly and delivering a healthy baby in the end I started to take vitamins, too. I charted and calculated and we hit the sack a few times around the big O. In the end it didn't work out in this cycle and to me it feels like failure because I did everything I could. Yes, I may be a little fixed on finally becoming a mum and I know that I am impatient but it doesn't change how it feels. According to a recent statistic a healthy couple in its thirties has a chance of 65 % per month and is likely to be pregnant within the first three months of trying. These are positive numbers and I hope we will be part of this group.

But trying didn’t start just now for me. This subject has followed me for over a decade because of my health issues. I never asked myself the question if I want to have kids, it only was about when. I was bitten by a stork as a toddler and some people think there is a connection between my strong wish to become a mum and this bite. But I also heard lovely and encouraging comments by some of the doctors I’ve been to like “you start getting used to never being a mum” when I was in my late twenties. Or “if you want to kill yourself” is also one of my favorites. “You might get pregnant but you will never deliver a (healthy) baby” was also charming. And now, with my health issues finally under control and my DH finally willing to become a Daddy one month went by without the result I’m longing for.

I was on a city trip the weekend after my period came and it helped to get my inner peace back. It can have advantages, not being pregnant like enjoying a nice glass of beer. So I try to keep this in mind:



Everything will be ok in the end. if it is not ok, it is not the end.



Love,

Julia

Pregnancy tests

There are several tests on the market and it can be confusing when it comes to choosing the most suitable.

example of a digital pregnancy test

Before you think about the test you should know what will be tested. It's about the level of the pregnancy hormone hCG. It doubles every other day during the first trimester. Some tests are very sensitive detecting a level of 10. Digital tests often need 25. If you're impatient you better take a sensitive one as it might show a second line some days before your period would be due. A digital one could show a false negative if the hormone level was too low. I had both kind of tests and a digital one saying „not pregnant“ can feel like a slap in the face.

my big fat negative "slap in the face" pregnancy test

I would only use this one again if I was absolutely sure about being pregnant and if I wanted to take a picture or inform the daddy to be but I don't recommend it for the first or early test.

Love,

Julia

The end of the first TTC cycle

I tested again on Tuesday morning (15th January) as I wanted to be sure and had to decide if I would accept an x-ray in the evening at the dentist. Again, there wasn't even a faint second line, it was a big fat negative.

My cycle is more or less regular varying between 24 and 26 days. As the last cycles were rather short and only 22 till 24 days long I was surprised that my period hasn't appeared, yet. Well, „aunt flo“ arrived between Thursday and Friday.

As previously written I used a chart and an ovulation calculator to track down the big-O day. The calculation was based on a 24 days cycle and if it was a little later we might have missed it. This month we should try the every other day method.

Love,

Julia

The first month

I don’t want to call me sick but my health condition needs regular checks, especially when it comes to TTC (trying to conceive). The last appointment was in mid December 2012 and starting to try depended only on the results. Luckily, I received “green lights” and we could have used the left over condoms as decoration on New Year’s Eve ;-). Just before Christmas I noticed that we were too late. The big O was before my doctor’s appointment and we missed the chance in that cycle. I was surprised how relax I was. I am not the most patient person and thought I would get nervous. For the next cycle I calculated the big O day and used a fertility chart. As we were on vacation around that time we both were optimistic that we would reach a “whole in one” (getting pregnant during the first trying cycle). Three years ago I was pregnant but had an early loss in week 6. It was an unplanned pregnancy and my hubby is convinced of having “super sperm”. He was absolutely sure having knocked me up at first try.

Some days later I had horrible toothache. I saw my dentist the next day and he wanted to X-ray my tooth. As I thought I might be pregnant he finally started the treatment without any x-ray. Wouldn’t it be funny if there really was a baby on its way because whenever somebody asked whom I told first my answer would be “my dentist”, haha.

8 days after ovulation DH and I went grocery shopping. When I saw the packed meat I immediately felt sick. It seemed that the first symptom had kicked in. The queasiness stayed during the day and returned as soon as I finished my breakfast the next day.

Do you know that a cow on average burps every 40 seconds (no, it’s not the gas from a cow’s back that causes the environmental problems, it comes front)? I started to eruct at least once per minute on that day and felt like a cow. Also new were slight cramps, especially in the evening. These three symptoms accompanied me during the past days and my hope of really being pregnant rose from day to day.

Another thing that came up 8 days past ovulation was impatience. I decided to take the first pregnancy test 2 till 4 days before my period was due as I wanted to avoid a false negative. But waiting for that day to come was horrible. It was close to freaking me out. So I had another reason to hope for being pregnant because I'm not keen on another month of waiting until I can test. I bought a sensitive test and waited for the second line to show but nothing happened. At that day the symptoms vanished away. It seems that my psych is very strong and manipulative. You could also call it wishful thinking. But it was early and as long as my period doesn’t start there is some hope left. I will test again tomorrow morning and will see what the test shows.

Love,

Julia